Yikes...I've missed writing in this blog, and so here I am, returning a bit shameful for ignoring this wonderful connection to many people for too long. But, here it is (whatever it may be)

The border sigue siendo la frontera. Over the past month, I have visited countless organizations in both CJ and EP who are all working towards changing the present reality of life on the border. This is the broadest description I can make, because they range from Midwifery clinics to labor union organizers to after school programs, and the connection which I see and hear from them all is the desire to change peoples (emphasis on the peoples) reality so they are able to make healthy choices for themselves and their lives. Be it petitioning for higher wages, or offering counseling services to battered women, all of the organizations operate with the awareness that there is a large amount of the population here who is not living a humane life. And, so it seems that many people are here doing very good work, which they are. But, lately I have been questioning my own personal role here and in these communities which I have the right and access to enter and exit as I wish. And, while I have encountered this "complex" of positioning and privelege (and have arrived at a point where I am comfortable just 'being' where I am, and try not to dig deeper than the humanity of those around me) there is still a part of me which continues questioning myself and my own motives for being here, and now for doing this job.

Last weekend, I visited Earlham College (to which I am an official alumni - weird), and it was a surprisingly huge relief to be there, for many reasons. And, something that didn't strike me until I came back was simply that my eyes get exhausted while being here. I could draw out an elaborate metaphor about the significance of what I am seeing, and what I am comfortable with and not comfortable with - but really I believe that it comes down to the fact that there is a constant dust that you breathe, and have to peer through everywhere you go. The air is quite bad here - the bridges provide intense bubbles of exhaust, while the oil refinery produces a gross amount of (air-waste, i forget the word) that often settles in the valley over the two cities in the afternoon.

I mention all of this pollution because the longer I live here the less I want to be here, and what I see and breathe everyday are the repetitive reasons which contribute to me not enjoying living here. Recently I told someone "I hate Juárez". Now, while this may have been a rash comment I made for emotional reasons as well (mostly, I've been known to say, 'I love Juárez') I also do not want any part of the world to ever develop into a city like EP/CJ. And, amidst this desert of industry, dust in the eyes and all, I am here continually trying to ask questions and challenge myself. Which I am doing. I just occasionally forget that challenging myself means that somedays I will "hate Juárez" but that some days I will love it.

I don't know how much it matters for me to be asking whether or not this is my place to be in the world. Not that it is not of crucial and utmost importance that people question their motives for travelling/working/living in any community, either national or international; however, this cyclical analysis never quite comes to a satisfying verdict. Personally, as a priveleged, educated person who has lived in many many kinds of places, all I can do is try and be aware of my "power" (yup, the big word) in a situation and not abuse my "power" because of the fact that I simply can. Right now, I believe I can be in a place, with my privlege, education and "power" all clearly influencing me, without simply playing the role of "colonizer" or what have you. I'm downright sick of the paralyzing guilt for having my background, and being in the position I am in. Education is a tool - (this is partially why I want to be nurse practitioner.) My access to education is something which I want to take advantage of and then use.(again, maybe another obvious and basic concept, but heck, I'm just beginning to understand what this really means.)

Yesterday, I saw someone wearing a t-shirt with a quote that should inspire many interesting discussions for multiple reasons, and I would love to hear your reactions to it ; and so to go out with a final little spark here it is

"If you have come here to help me, you should leave. But, if you have come here because your liberation is tied to mine, then welcome. - Indigenous Women"

El día cuando la frontera fue tragada

This past weekend I went to a “Oaxacan Mole Festival”, which was organized by a very radical and awesome workers rights (specifically women’s rights) organization, La Mujer Obrera, (www.lamujerobrera.com). Beyond the amazingly delicious food (you should all eat mole, all of you) and beautiful music, it was an impressive scene of people and moreover, it was the perfect example of just how mexican El Paso really is. Glen (the professor I am working with this semester) and I wandered and observed (because that’s really what you are doing when you are in a crowd and you think too much like me), and then with a cup of horchata and a quesadilla in hand, we entered into a very interesting discussion about the state of the world as of today (or rather, as of Saturday, because today some crazy events occurred, i.e Fidel Castro)

Our conversation began with another friend who works in the area, and it centered on the violence in the middle east and it’s degree of severity, and then jumped to our feelings of helplessness as people who do “care” about the state of the world. But following this semi-emotional and semi-academic reaction, Glen dropped the phrase “systemic collapse”.

This phrase has always seemed like a buzz word to me, and in some ways a cop out which implies that the events of today’s world are special and unique and are bringing us to something which is ultimately fatal. This may very well be true, but during this conversation this friend and I questioned the implication, asking “But, what came ‘before’ systemic collapse” and “so, what’s comes ‘after’, what does ‘reconstruction’ look like?”.

Glen of course, did not provide the answers to these questions exactly, but I think he re-defined the definition of systemic collapse for me some. So, I suppose I am taking it upon myself to share this vision with all of you who are reading this.

This “systemic collapse” thing is just the all-encompassing (like the universe…the whole thing) structure in which we are all placed. Glen argues that processes like globalization have been inaccurately given this all-encompassing stature, implying that other global processes like global warming and over-population are results of globalization. Glen faults this analysis, making the picture bigger and suggesting this vision: If the world is just a bunch of overlapping ven diagrams(those circle things from 5th grade math), then “Systemic collapse” would be the box outside of all of those circles.

This is not a complicated vision, really a rather simple one. But, it also removes the sole causality and dependence between global processes, and directs it towards a grander cause and ultimately a grander assumption about what this whole “existence” this is all about - and glen would say that if things don't start changing now we are going to self-destruct within , oh, about the next twenty years (now Glen would be rather unsatisfied with that definition but it is what he argues and implies)

Now, for the past week in Cd. Juarez/El Paso which is a desert, it has been raining, pouring and raining more. Today, the limit was reached and finally highways were closed, three of the four bridges were shut down, houses were flooded, blockbusters collapsed, mud slid, and the Rio Grande (Big river) began to crest above the 20 ft. embankment. (*an ironic sidenote, people who cross illegally are often called ‘wetbacks’ o “mojados” and I overhead people in a coffee shop in El paso saying “pues, hoy todos somos mojados, no” “well, today we’re all wetbacks”)

While this rain may allow for humor as the border swells and both sides suffer the consequences, there was a huge blindness within the news coverage on both sides. People in El Paso didn’t know what was going on in Cd. Juarez, as people here in Cd. Juarez didn’t know what was going on in El Paso. I had gone to El paso, early this morning, and promptly almost been stranded on some side streets that were flooded with a few feet of water. But, my co-worker and I waited out the worst, and safely made our way to a meeting. Deciding that we may as well try to go home to Juárez, we crossed the only open bridge by foot seeing the top of the river lap up against the fence as crowds of people stood nearby, watching in horror as something which is usually ironically small and dry present itself as something to be reckoned with. In some ways I wish the Rio Grande was like this always, as it would be more satisfying or cathartic to cross it. But, as it was, we were able to hop on a Ruta (school bus public transportation) and then walk the 6 blocks to my house, only passing through one block of stinky flood- water.

I suppose that this entire day of trekking around in an environment of chaos, where people weren’t going to work, or were sent home, and houses flooded and there was just utter paralysis, I kept thinking to myself “But see…roads collapse, systems collapse, but us people-people, we can still get where we need to get cause somehow we just keep going.”

I was teasing Glen this afternoon, suggesting that today would be the perfect kind of day to go out and convert people to his theory of “systemic collapse” because it feels like this entire region is falling apart – he chuckled and agreed, while someone suggested a soap box.

Changes are inevitable, and looking back at history (which is a phrase used too often) there are catastrophes and there are tragedies and too often too many people die. But, it strikes me that we will never escape systems which will need to change. There is no solution to Systemic collapse. There is no easy answer to what you do in a desert when it rains 15 inches in five days – except to just wait it out.(I did get some movies in case I have to stay home tomorrow.)

I could probably continue blabbing about this, but I guess the point is that right now I can't base my understanding of the worlds systems solely on the concept of a fated “systemic collapse” because that’s too easy – of course the world will look radically different in fifty years but who am I to assume that I can know today what we will all need then?

For tonight, I am thankful that I’m home safely, I’m about to take a hot shower, and that the only water I hear right now are the steady drips from three places on my ceiling into pans and buckets. I kind of like the clinking actually. (although I do think they need to fix the drainage in both El Paso and Juárez, and my roof)

(*Annie dillard has a great book called "For the time being" which is a much more poetic way to talk about these themes of change/collapse)