Yikes...I've missed writing in this blog, and so here I am, returning a bit shameful for ignoring this wonderful connection to many people for too long. But, here it is (whatever it may be)

The border sigue siendo la frontera. Over the past month, I have visited countless organizations in both CJ and EP who are all working towards changing the present reality of life on the border. This is the broadest description I can make, because they range from Midwifery clinics to labor union organizers to after school programs, and the connection which I see and hear from them all is the desire to change peoples (emphasis on the peoples) reality so they are able to make healthy choices for themselves and their lives. Be it petitioning for higher wages, or offering counseling services to battered women, all of the organizations operate with the awareness that there is a large amount of the population here who is not living a humane life. And, so it seems that many people are here doing very good work, which they are. But, lately I have been questioning my own personal role here and in these communities which I have the right and access to enter and exit as I wish. And, while I have encountered this "complex" of positioning and privelege (and have arrived at a point where I am comfortable just 'being' where I am, and try not to dig deeper than the humanity of those around me) there is still a part of me which continues questioning myself and my own motives for being here, and now for doing this job.

Last weekend, I visited Earlham College (to which I am an official alumni - weird), and it was a surprisingly huge relief to be there, for many reasons. And, something that didn't strike me until I came back was simply that my eyes get exhausted while being here. I could draw out an elaborate metaphor about the significance of what I am seeing, and what I am comfortable with and not comfortable with - but really I believe that it comes down to the fact that there is a constant dust that you breathe, and have to peer through everywhere you go. The air is quite bad here - the bridges provide intense bubbles of exhaust, while the oil refinery produces a gross amount of (air-waste, i forget the word) that often settles in the valley over the two cities in the afternoon.

I mention all of this pollution because the longer I live here the less I want to be here, and what I see and breathe everyday are the repetitive reasons which contribute to me not enjoying living here. Recently I told someone "I hate Juárez". Now, while this may have been a rash comment I made for emotional reasons as well (mostly, I've been known to say, 'I love Juárez') I also do not want any part of the world to ever develop into a city like EP/CJ. And, amidst this desert of industry, dust in the eyes and all, I am here continually trying to ask questions and challenge myself. Which I am doing. I just occasionally forget that challenging myself means that somedays I will "hate Juárez" but that some days I will love it.

I don't know how much it matters for me to be asking whether or not this is my place to be in the world. Not that it is not of crucial and utmost importance that people question their motives for travelling/working/living in any community, either national or international; however, this cyclical analysis never quite comes to a satisfying verdict. Personally, as a priveleged, educated person who has lived in many many kinds of places, all I can do is try and be aware of my "power" (yup, the big word) in a situation and not abuse my "power" because of the fact that I simply can. Right now, I believe I can be in a place, with my privlege, education and "power" all clearly influencing me, without simply playing the role of "colonizer" or what have you. I'm downright sick of the paralyzing guilt for having my background, and being in the position I am in. Education is a tool - (this is partially why I want to be nurse practitioner.) My access to education is something which I want to take advantage of and then use.(again, maybe another obvious and basic concept, but heck, I'm just beginning to understand what this really means.)

Yesterday, I saw someone wearing a t-shirt with a quote that should inspire many interesting discussions for multiple reasons, and I would love to hear your reactions to it ; and so to go out with a final little spark here it is

"If you have come here to help me, you should leave. But, if you have come here because your liberation is tied to mine, then welcome. - Indigenous Women"